Tuesday, August 16, 2011

On nature

I awoke one Saturday morning and opened the curtains to greet the day. We settled back in bed with our coffee and watched the birds flying by and the squirrels frolicking on the lawn. One leaped onto the planter! So cute! He adorably reached into the planter with his little rat-hands and PLUCKED A STRAWBERRY OFF THE VINE.

Son of a bitch.

I ran out into the yard in my underwear and cursed that tiny animal out. He retreated to the fence where, I swear to god, he made a big show of eating my strawberry. Mmmm, so good! So juicy! Wouldn't you like one? Too bad it's in my belly and also covered in squirrel disease.

I know I got my yard certified by the Audubon Society and I love animals and all that, but lately I've had it with nature. Some critter recently ate every single blueberry on both bushes. The crows, in addition to being noisy as hell, like to divebomb me when I'm weeding. I keep finding neighborhood cats lurking in the back, which would be fine if they would eat the crows (circle of life and all that); instead, they just poop in my beds. My yard is not a goddamn gas station, guys. You can't just use the restroom and leave.

The boy found water pellet rifles online and offered to try his hand at controlling the crows. I won't let him . . . yet. Because last night I successfully harvested a bowl of strawberries and they tasted like victory.

Score one: Heather.


  1. Damn squirrels! And cats! I loathe finding a cat poo in the garden, and it happens all too often. I have often contemplated getting a live trap so I could remove wild cats from my property, but I haven't ever (a) decided to shell out the bucks for the trap or (b) figured out what to do once I caught a cat (I'm allergic, so I couldn't actually touch one). Fie on critters!

  2. What a way to ruin a perfectly good morning. Stupid squirrel. Perhaps that hammer could have been of good use. :) We have squirrels and cats in my neighborhood but they're never in my backyard because I've got an outdoor cat myself. She guards her property well. Something to consider.

    Came by your blog via LeAnn. www.gracepete.blogspot.com

  3. Thanks for stopping by, Grace! Sadly, I can't get an outdoor cat or I'd lose my Audubon certification. I don't know why I need that little sign so badly (reference here: http://www.justagirlwithahammer.com/2011/01/habitat-sweet-habitat.html ), but I do. :)

  4. This has zero to do with your new squirrely nemesis (though I have quite a few stories like that) but I saw these and, after deciding they were my new favorite flowers, thought of you :)


  5. I have to admit I'm a little worried about getting the certification for that reason exactly. I can't tell you how many times I've had to clean my back windows because the birds think that must be the outhouse. And I've found such things like a mouse nest (with 14 new babies in it!!!!) I mean, yes, I would like to attract nature, but can I pick and choose who gets to use. :)

  6. Oh god, what did you do with the mouse babies?