Monday, September 12, 2011

File under: good to know

I'm preparing to leave for our trip to Europe so instead of learning how to say, "Yes, I'd love mayonnaise on that" in Dutch I've been doing stupid things like cleaning out the garage in 96 degree heat. For unknown reasons I decided to take all the random wood and building supplies we have in the garage to The Rebuilding Center. I guess I thought they'd get up to no good while we were gone? Then I vacuumed the garage because home improvement isn't fun unless vacuuming is involved. And you know what? That garage doesn't look any better. It's still cluttered and full of boxes. And I still don't know how to say "cookies" in Dutch. WHAT IF WE NEED TO FIND COOKIES IN AMSTERDAM?

Because my day hadn't been awful enough, I headed to Ikea to scope out a new desk for the office. And I figured if I had to contend with slow-moving crowds I might as well go when I'm really dirty and sweaty. Maybe people would stay out of my way then? (They didn't.) I made my way home with a Micke desk and proceeded to sweat and swear my way through assembling it. This desk almost bested me.
More like BESTÃ…'d me, amiright?
Also: I forgot how bad Ikea furniture smells and how long it off-gasses. Keep this in mind because I'm going to blame what happened next on glue fumes.

I wanted to clean the house before leaving so we could relax when we get home from our trip. The bathroom sink drain has been a little bit smelly and a tiny bit slow lately. At this point I'd like to remind you of the last time I decided to meddle with a drain that was a little bit slow. I ended up with a completely backed up drain and a sink dripping Drano everywhere. Because I never learn I decided to try a trick I read about on the Internet: vinegar and boiling water down the drain. Easy peasy!

As I poured boiling water down the drain I heard a deafening CRACK! but I couldn't figure out what it was. The pipe looked fine, the sink looked fine . . . except for the hairline crack that was slowly growing across the bottom. Yup, I cracked my sink. My sink, it turns out, is made of vitreous china and vitreous china cracks under high heat.

Fuck. Me. And fuck you, Internet. You're doing me wrong lately.

On the plus side, now the drain looks like it wants to huuuuugggg you!

So now I have a caulked sink (which looks AWESOME) and the possibility of hiring a refinisher to repair this thing correctly. Or I might get to replace the sink completely.

So. Scream it from the mountaintops:

1. Don't use Drano.
2. Don't pour hot water down your drains unless you're positive your sink isn't made of vitreous china.
3. Don't dye your favorite jeans purple.
4. Choose a desk other than the Micke if you don't believe in swearing.
5. Cookies = koekjes. Don't ask me how to pronounce it, though.

Be ye not so stupid!


  1. Hi! Great blog. :) Glad to hear that you didn't let the desk get the better of you!

    You'll find the Dutch very forgiving of how you speak their language and many of them speak English very well.
    Koektjes: /kook/ (like 'crazy kook' or 'kooky' not like book) and /yuh-s/...the bonus is that cake is Koek and many words end in /jes/...bookjes...kinderjes...

    Happy traveling!

  2. You rock! Thanks so much! Cookie emergency AVERTED.

  3. And about your kitty.... well my cat actually slept ON MY FACE once. I sneezed and I suppose my bad attitude about her being on my FACE got her in a bad mood. So she scratched me. But on the plus side, they're fluffy and adorable and like to eat critters that like to break bird baths. :)

  4. Oh, man. That vacation is going to feel SO GOOD after all of this!

  5. I'm embarrassed to say that I LOVE the smell of Ikea furniture. Love.

    I'm so sorry about your sink, but I guffawed out loud at your photo caption.

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