Overwintering bromeliads when you're quite tired

I am always an optimist in the spring. Things like bromeliads get purchased and I swear that I’m gonna do right by them, come winter. But then they get brought inside where they are slowly starved of water and light. I have yet to make it through a winter without losses because that is a time when I am not at my best. I could just chuck them in the compost in the fall and save everyone a lot of trouble, but then I wouldn’t have the fun story of getting up to pee in the middle of the night and stepping on a slug that had hitchhiked inside on a plant I was overwintering in the bathroom. That plant died, by the way.

I’ve been on a journey to get better at this, but it’s hard when you’re lazy and prone to clinical depression. I seem to both under and overwater them. In an effort to kill fewer plants, or at least make the midnight foot goo worth it, I’m trying a new setup. 

The bromeliads get dug up from their outside locations and sprayed out to minimize spider and slug hitchhikers. Then they get snugged together in orchid pots with chunky soil. I’ve been using Sol Soils since the Tacoma Fling where I picked up a sample. I absolutely love them.

The orchid pots can be sprayed indiscriminately, making sure that the bromeliad cups have sufficient water but their roots won’t rot. I’m hoping this combo keeps them happier than in winters past.

Then I stuffed them in a metal bucket and put them under some grow lights in the living room, which is how you let visitors know that you’re a responsible adult.

A funny thing is that my brain has always associated grow lights with seed starting and not a thing that you could provide to make your houseplants happier. It took seeing my niece’s houseplant setup to retool my brain. Life is full of wonderful surprises when you go through it not really paying attention.

I might even buy a humidifier but I don’t want to get too good at this. Bromeliad growers are expecting me to keep them in business. Happy fall, y’all.